I know it has been a few weeks since I have written. So much has happened…….virus, stomach bug, allergic reaction, sinus infection. To say it’s been rough is an understatement, and being on hormones doesn’t help. But, during these past few weeks I have had time to think while lying on the couch miserable.
I have come to some realizations:
- I have not had control over my body since starting these hormones and I absolutely hate it.
- During this process of trying to have a baby, I started to wonder if it is worth it and began to lose hope.
- I have decided it’s time to just let go.
When you try to control things, you end up fooling yourself into thinking you have control. When you try to control things, you are afraid of the outcome. When you try to control things, you choose not to hold onto hope because hoping would mean accepting that you do not have control and have to trust that there is a higher power, God.
Silly me. I didn’t realize how much I was trying to grasp onto straws that attached to nothing. I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t trusting God, who I claim to feel so connected to.
I don’t have control.
God is in control.
I don’t have control over whether I have a baby. I don’t have control over how my body reacts to the hormones. I don’t have control over whether my body will be able to hold another pregnancy.
I only have hope to hold onto.
This is and will continue to be a hard pill for me to swallow.
My anxiety makes me think I have to have control over these things because having control over nothing would send me into a tailspin. But this is not true.
In my obsession and anxiety, I have lost the real purpose for things. We are not meant to hold on to what we can’t control. We are meant to let go. We are meant to hope. We are meant to understand that there is a higher plan, one that we aren’t meant to see. There is a bigger picture. And there is always a lesson to be learned.
Several weeks ago, I published a podcast episode called “The Growth is in the Lessons” through my podcast The Butterfly Kinection. Check it out here. In that podcast I talk about growth and life lessons in depth. But, I don’t think it really started to sink in until now.
Having hope and letting go is hard. It means that I open myself up to disappointment. But there is a lesson in that. If we only react to things based on our past experiences, we can never grow. The lesson is to change our perspective, think positive, hope and allow ourselves to let go while trusting in the lesson, the plan, and God.
It’s not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. But I have to believe I can let go and hope again.
So I have to let go. I have to accept that where I am at is where I am supposed to be, learning what I need to learn. I have to hope and dream without fearing the outcome. I have to trust the process. I have to accept the process.
Letting go is the single most important thing we can do for our souls. For if we are holding on, we can never grow wings and fly. We can never lift out of our self-doubt and worry, raise our vibration, or shift our perspective.
So here goes.
(You can do this too. If you feel you have things you need to let go of, sit down and write down everything.)
- I let go of the need to be in control of everything.
- I let go of my fear of the unknown.
- I let go of my picture perfect version of what having another child looks like, even if it means it isn’t supposed to happen.
- I let go of the sadness and the despair.
- I let go of anxiety and doubt.
- I let go of the superficial reasons why I want to have another child that are not for my highest good to have.
- I let go of disappointment.
- I let go of my impatience for wanting something right this minute.
And then, I will write what I accept and hope for next:
- I accept myself for who I am and where I am in this moment.
- I accept and honor my emotions but then release them.
- I accept and trust in God’ higher plan for me even though I cannot see the outcome.
- I accept that there may be disappointment, but that does not mean I will give up hope.
- I hope to have another child because I want to be a mama again.
- I hope to gain strength and clarity and learn my lessons so that my soul can grow.
- I hope to change my perspective to think more positively.
- I hope to live in the moment and feel joy and happiness without allowing the unknown of the future to get in the way of that.
I really truly believe that writing things down helps us to decipher our own thoughts so we can better decide what road to take and what is best for us. And the road of our life will always lead one way or the other. The one thing we do have control over is we get to choose what to hold to and what to let go of.
I choose try to hold on to hope and let go of despair. It’s a start. And we all have to start somewhere.
Thanks so much for reading.
Blessings to you.
With love from above,