Seems like an eternity when you are waiting to read a pregnancy test. 180 seconds of hope and dread all rolled into one nervous twitch.
“Don’t be excited,” you think, because all there has ever been is disappointment, sadness, and loss of hope. But, there is also the glimmer of…”but what if I am?”
Then the 3 minutes are up. I look down and read, “Not Pregnant.”
Infertility sucks. I am almost 37 years old and I have only one child. Infertility is real and it can happen to anyone at any point. It has happened to my husband and I. I can’t help but ask myself, “Why was it so easy the first time?” “Why is it so hard now? “What is wrong with me?” “Is it something I did wrong?”
All of these questions fly through my head as I insert yet another progesterone pill. Cramps abound, I hobble out of the bathroom and try to face another day, hiding my sadness and disappointment.
I wake up everyday with the fear of the unknown, realizing that I have no control over the outcome of this. After 4 years of trying, I am just tired. So tired. I have given up so many times but a little voice in my head says, “Don’t give up! It will happen.”
Up until now, I have not been open and honest about what we have been going through with family and friends. I guess for me, it has been about self preservation. I think: “…if I don’t say it out loud, I won’t have to face the real fact that I may never feel a baby kick inside me again.”
The truth is, it hurts. My heart hurts. My soul yearns. I just want to be a mommy again. I want to be pregnant again.
Please don’t misunderstand. I LOVE my little boy. I am so grateful and so blessed that I was even able to have one child. I know there are so many women out there who haven’t been able to have even one child. No matter what the circumstance, having infertility is a just plain terrible and heart wrenching. And for me, it is one of the single most difficult things I have ever gone through in my life thus far. I feel like it has broken me.
I’ve heard the words of encouragement: “It’ll happen. Give it time”or “Don’t stress, that won’t help.” I have heard people also say, “The clock’s ticking!” or “So when’s the second kid coming?” How do I respond to that? How do I even begin to explain? I usually just smile and walk away. While some people may think they are helping, it is just a tearful reminder of what isn’t.
My husband and I have been through a rocky 4 years. Job changes, health problems, parental health concerns, couples therapy and now infertility issues. This is not the picture I had in my head of what this was supposed to look like. My picture perfect idea turned not so picture perfect.
But on the other hand, we aren’t really supposed to have a clear picture, right? Control is not for us to have. We give ourselves the illusion that we have it, but we don’t. We only have control over our decisions, our actions, and how we respond to it all.
Everything else is left to God and the universe to work out.
That’s hard. It is hard to “give it to God,” as they say. It is so hard when I want something so bad I am blinded by fear, pain and doubt.
It’s easy to start thinking I am being punished in some way.
I know I am not being punished. This is just another stepping stone in my life, my lessons, and my growth. I write this today knowing that, yet I still feel defeated.
I think what this comes down to is that I need to honor it all; the pain, the sadness, the hope, the anger and the longing. It is where I am right now. There is nothing I can do about it except trust that God has a plan for me. I think I can still feel crappy and sad and know that. It is not easy by any means. But, maybe that is part of what “giving it to God” really means.
To be ok is allow yourself to just feel defeated, sad, and angry while still remembering that there is hope.
I need to be ok with any and all outcomes to this, even if it means no baby. I need to let go of control and remember that the only control I have is in how I move forward from this point, how I can use my hope to drive my trust, belief and faith and choose to find joy and gratitude in everything I do have.
In the end, that is all I can do.
So whatever it is you are feeling in whatever situation you are in, honor it. Allow yourself to sit in it. And then allow yourself to hope, trust and believe. We may not have the picture of what we want, but it is the picture we have. There is no way to know how our picture will evolve until we find a way to let go of what we want it to be. Life is a gift and we are all a work in progress.
Be gentle with yourselves and know you are not alone. I will get through this and I know you will get through your situation too.
Many blessings and love from above.